I’m in a mood where I want to wax poetic about… something. I can’t though, but I can spit some truths. It’s probably been the hardest thing I’ve done to take a 6 month hiatus. Yeah, I’ve been posting something at least once a week (she says as she misses posting stuff for 3 weeks), but feeling that struggle to squeeze enjoyment out of it was always there. Not uncomfortable enough in any sort of way to even think that I don’t love doing this, but the feeling of walking in wet cement is a mild concern.
The worst part is is knowing the radio silence in general. Social media has never been my strong suit, but seclusion against close friends is something I’m ashamed of and not sure how to approach. It is a trait along with several others that I know I’m not the only person of this temperament to struggle with. You have this irrational thought that your burdens become burden to others. And I know, when someone else is doing this to me in turn, that would never be the case, and that concern and understanding would be there whenever they wanted to come out. I don’t claim to know the thoughts of my friends intimately, however. It could very well be a last straw. All I know is, I miss everyone and feel like a stranger to myself and others around me when I lurk to see their goings on and creative output.
I tell myself “don’t push yourself until December” before I do another evaluation of my situation. Not that I have unrealistic expectations, but I feel pretty confident about it. The fact that I’m itching to get back into things now is a good sign, but I know if I rush into it, it may give me a false sense of productivity. It takes work to decide to do other things, to leave my desks and apartment to do tasks that I don’t exactly know if I enjoy or not. They come with their own stressors (sometimes not worth it at all on some days) and I see them as stimuli to contrast other parts of my life. I never lack intent in what I set myself to, and it eats at me a bit to know it is used as a balm for a real passion that isn’t all there at the moment. Exercising to be functional outside of creative bubbles is important to me because lack of social ability can atrophy just like anything else and in my current state, is probably the last thing I need. I’m already frustrated at my meekness I’ve adopted due to it all. I’m sure the folks that really know my crassness would spit out their drink at that and probably count others lucky that they don’t know it at all.